In all the spaces where you cry alone, smile alone and think of all the dreams that slipped away
Forgive yourself for all you wish you had shared when you had plenty
All the sunsets you didn’t lift your head to notice
All those days when you tried but fell flat on your face
And buried your tears under tons of fake smiles, makeup, noise and wine
Forgive yourself for the jealous moments
The ugly sessions of gossip and untruths
Forgive yourself for not finishing what you started and not doing what you promised
Forgive yourself for staying
And going
And waiting
And watching days turn into months turn into years of what ifs
Forgive yourself for not taking a chance
And for taking too many chances
On the same old same old people and things that could-have/should-have/would-have but didn’t
Forgive yourself for losing hope
For looking outside for answers
For all the opportunities to grow and stretch and break free that offered you a ride you didn’t take
Forgive yourself for the seasons that went by in a flash
For forgetting where you come from
For comparing yourself to people whose paths appear lighter than your own
Forgive yourself
Forgive yourself
Forgive yourself
Forgive yourself for not forgiving yourself sooner
…and breathe!
xoxo Lee
~Written on a cold, Joburg morning while sitting on my kitchen floor where I saw the perfect sunny spot. I crawled up to it, grabbed a piece of paper, and let the download come in. Just like the sun!
As a recovering yes-girl, every single time I do this, I still get goosebumps. No, honestly.
Just last week I said no to doing the social media content for a campaign to help find jobs for people who had lost theirs because of Covid-19. The organisers wanted the job seekers to hold up placards describing their plight and to pose for pictures. The placard captions were to read Hungry. 2 Kids. No Foodetc. I knew for sure that not one of the people – who by virtue of the way the dice had fallen in this lifetime – would have been prepared to hold up such a placard (nor would I), and so I walked away.
I just love this photo by Arfa Talib from Pexels. Isn’t it wonderful?
Then, I also said no to a bully in the family recently. Now, if you know anything about families, no is the ultimate swear word! Don’t you think? But, I was willing to take my chances. This time, I was guided by the fact that my little people are watching and learning and that if I want them to learn how to assert themselves, affirm their boundaries and stand their ground, I am going to have to walk the talk!
Perhaps you’re battling a little bit in this arena too? If you are, here are a couple of things to remember:
You teach people how to treat you
No is a complete sentence
You get what you tolerate
The only people who get upset when you assert your boundaries are the ones who benefit from you not having any
I wish you love, my friends. And the courage to say NO!
My mom’s sister who died quite suddenly. It was the first week of lockdown in South Africa when she passed.
We got news of her death around 9am and all we wanted to do was rush to the family home to be with her children and her 80 something year old husband, from who she really was inseperable. They were married for 60 years or so.
I was so sad but I could park that. All I really wanted was to see my loved ones and offer support. I remember when my own mom passed, those people who just turned up on the day and DID were a Godsend. I felt I could be that kind of person in this instance.
Being the absolute nerd that I am, I managed to convince my husband that we should pop into our local police station to ask them what we needed in terms of permission in order to make our way to the family home on the otherrrrrrr side of the world. We had seen visuals on TV and social media of the army, of cyclists being arrested and I must be honest, the general air of fear and tension was palpable.
“Good Morning” I said through my mask to the two policemen at the door. They were tense too, but they listened to my story and immediately decided that yes, I should definitely jump on the highway and make my way to the bereaved. “Family” the one guy said “Family”.
“So, I dont need a permit or anything to go there for a prayer service or for the funeral?…” I tried to add, knowing that my Catholic family would want to get started on the prayer asap, particularly for a woman like my aunty who loved her faith.
Screeeeeching from the other side of a room I did not even see someone flying towards us.
“Back home!” she spat. “What do you think this is? A party? Do you know what lockdown means? There is no travelling! No partying. No walking around and shopping….”
Everyone was stunned by the absurdity of the statements.
The two policemen looked down. I thought I was dreaming.
“Umm, no mam, I have just lost my aunt…literally a few hours ago and I am her next of kin, so I was asking about what I needed to…”
“I don’t care!” she said “No means no”
“L O C K D O W NNNNNNNN she said mockingly. “It means you go noooooooowhere, my dear”.
Now my tears were beginning to come. The floodgates really opened when I made eye contact with the two policeman. They were looking down and shaking their heads. I only realised then that they reported to her. She was their boss and they were not going to be able to do anything for me.
I was sobbing. I could not believe that another human being was speaking to me like that. In a room full of other people. When I had just been shot in the heart with grief.
My husband, who had said nothing up to this point had the look. I know it well. Gentle Giant was giving her the who the fck do you think you are talking to look, narrowing his eyes and tilting his head slightly. That look only comes out once every like 12 years.
“Umm, tell me something…” he said, towering at least 100m above her head. “Did you hear the part where my wife said she had just lost her mother?” (In his culture, my aunt WAS my mother. No lies there).
“I don’t care what story she has” the woman said.
“Ummm sorry, mam? We are just here to …”
“Wait, love” he said. It was a firm and gentle, but gosh it was full of conviction.
My husband looked at the two men. Heads bowed in shame. He looked at me. Put his hands on his hips.
There was a long silence.
“Are you feeling okay?” My husband said, looking the woman directly in the eye.
Two more officers arrived. The air changed from an emotional one to something that my intuition told me could easily escalate into something ugly, where we were perhaps thrown in a holding cell and handcuffed, or worse.
That’s when one of the two officers became human again and said to my husband “I think it’s better if you guys go, my brother…”
He didn’t mean that we should GO to the highway and GO to the funeral home and GO be with our loved ones (which is just what we did, masks and all). He was firing a warning shot to us, to say that if we did not get out of there, there would be trouble. I took my husband by the hand and pulled hard.
Heartbroken, disgusted and defeated we arrived at the funeral home. That’s when something magical happened. As I entered, I felt this incredible Light. I walked into the funeral home filled with a Spirit of compassion, love, strength, empathy and support.
That strength did not come from ME, and that’s really what this long story is about.
Friends tell me that strength is The Peace that Passes All Understanding. In my culture, the Holy Spirit. In yours, your Higher Self/God, perhaps?
Trust me it will come when you need it leaving you, the spiritual being here on earth to have a human experience, in awe. And, in my case filled with so much GRATITUDE.
These are the moments, friends. These are the moments!
I remember this particular morning. I had barely slept because our new baby was was breastfeeding on demand, and well…that night his demand was every 10 minutes.
I had gone out walking and my husband had come to find me. I saw him coming towards me with my little girl in her stroller and my son strapped tightly to his chest in a sling when he reached into his pocket and took this pic.
We were in a little village in Spain for a few weeks in August in 2013 (can’t believe that’s already 6/7years ago!).
At the time, my head was always in TOMORROW. I looked forward to better days to come. A better body, more sleep, more freedom, getting back to my career, giving my vision board a fresh wipe. I thought that I’d dive straight back into my old corporate life and it would be fabulous!
But honestly, I never did go back to my old life. The universe had already changed my shit around to align things to my new vibration.
The Power of NOW
Now is where LOVE breathes – Rumi
When I look at this pic now, I think: NOW! NOW, girl! THIS MOMENT. Not tomorrow. Not after Covid-19. Not when your kids are grown or when you feel ready.
Lee Mayimele - Writer 