How a piece of gum taught me 5 Important Life Lessons

I had a feeling the waiter saw me stick my spearmint gum under the table. Our eyes locked for two long seconds. The unholy mental rendezvous made me blush a little but that moment was quickly interrupted by a woman screaming “I will kill youuuuuuu!”

 

Damn, some people can over react, I thought! Whatever happened to threatening a punishment befitting the crime? 

 

Fortunately, I was not the one she wanted to kill. Nor was the waiter, thank goodness.

 

The object of her fury was a man in a car. Crazy was lying on top of the bonnet with her granny knickers on display for the whole parking lot to see.  She was using one windscreen wiper to hold on to. Her free hand was swiping the other wiper viciously through half an open window into the frightened man’s face. I had no doubt that she wanted to kill him and his eyes told me that he knew that too. (Eye contact! Why on why did I go there?)

 

Security arrived quite quickly and it was then that I saw two little blonde heads rise and quickly dip back onto the backseat. There were kids in that car and our eyes had locked for just two long seconds, contracting me into the story even more. 

 

From sheer nervousness, I reached under my table and began to play with “my” gum. It started to make my fingers smell sweet. Grape! Grape! That smell was grape. Who even buyssssss grape gum?

 

And that was the first and only time I wanted to kill someone too. I want to kill myself. Eeeew!

 

Now please let’s not get clever and ask “what’s the moral of the story?”…because we all know it is bloody clear as daylight: 

 

1. Don’t do stupid shit
2. If you do do stupid shit, do not make eye contact
3. If you do make eye contact, you enter a contract
4. Contracts are usually one sided and generally once you’re in, you’re in
5. Your mom was right about wearing good underwear (just in case)

 

 

And oh yes, there are crazy people everywhere. Some want to kill. Others buy grape gum. Be warned.

 

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